Silk form France and Desperate Measures
by stinkabhel
Summary: Lily is forced to join a society of Marysues and is forced to take desperate measures. VERY DESPERATE MEASURES.


Disclaimer: I do not own HP.

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"Mom, no, okay, I will not join that demented society of utterly fake hypocrites who strive to drive away the sanity of the whole of Britain and only care about silk lingerie!" I yelled for the umpteenth time and trust me, still counting.

"Lily, Petunia has already passed her junior stage, she has made very appropriate friends, why don't you want to be a part of such a dignified and classy community of beautiful women?" mom reasons out, holding a glossy beach envelope with a rose print of brown wax sealing it with a face of an unbelievably ugly woman. BARF. How conceited can that Madam Whoisits get?

Beautiful? Puh-lease, Vernon's bum is an even better view than that woman's utterly horrendous face. Although I haven't seen Vernon's bottom and I have no plans to take a peep. It might be the last thing that I'll ever do. But I'm pretty sure and encounter like that is like getting a Dementor's Kiss.

"Lily, please, just one meeting and if you don't find it very pleasing, then you can quit, alright?" Mom pleads. Woman strikes a hard bargain. Damn.

"Alright, one session and if I don't like it, I'll leave, deal.." I reply with a smile and I offer her my hand and mom shakes it. Pfftt. Let's get this over with, I can easily win this. Oh joy. I'm liberated from evil mary-sues and silk lingerie made from France.

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I'm inside this lavish clubhouse decorated with peach roses and pears. Stupid really, pears are bound to be eaten not for hanging around. Gosh. There's this heavy smell of perfume which definitely smells like Professor Sprout's dragon excrements. Wow, this corset is crushing my ribs, and I'm deprived of air. Merlin, my lungs are shriveling up already.

Madam Falucci or something like that smiles at me with botox messed up face and I see peppercorn between her two front teeth. Talk about perfection. I smirk and laugh, nearly choking on my lemon square.

"Anything funny, Lillian darling?" she asks with that little fake voice of hers. Sounds like a dying crow, really. It's Lily, you moronic imbecile.

Oh nothing, just a very funny thought about Rose and Jack from the Titanic.." I reply with a fake voice of mine.

"What is so funny about the love of your life dying of hypothermia?" she asks looking offended, her botox-ed face looking uglier than ever. Merlin, this woman resembles Shrek.

"Oh, it wasn't that, I was giggling about their endless passion and undying love.." I replied, smiling. Wow, this is longer than I thought.

"Sorry, I'm late, practice with my manager…" a very familiar voice which probably belongs to a wretched fool of a hag. Carliana Watson. She was a rival of mine back at school before Hogwarts. Hated me after I beat her in the Math Quiz. Daddy's little princess. Yeah, Princess of Darkness and Demented Barbie Dolls that is.

"No, that's okay honey, we've just started.." Madam Falucci welcomes her opening arms. Wow, birds of a feather flock together. They would make a wonderful murder of crows. Shrek and Child.

"Oh, thank you, you look more beautiful than ever, Madam Falucci.." she replies flipping her blonde hair. Suck up.

"This is Lillian.." Madam Falucci she calls me. SHOOT.

"Hello, Carliana.." I smile, more of a smirk actually.

"Oh isn't it Lily Evans…" she replies raising an eyebrow and smiles malevolently. "I see you haven't lost your freckles yet…" she adds. I want to mash her face up ansd suck her brains with a straw. As if she had brains anyway. Where's my wand when I need it? Just a simple spell and she'll see.

"I look at them as a pretty trait, and I like it this way…" I reply sweetly. Hey, Potter finds the attractive you insufferable hag. Wait, did I just mention James Bloody Potter? Merlin, I must hit myself with a wooden spoon after this.

"I see you have met before…" Madam Falucci says smiling. She looks like Shrek more than ever. Ogres.

"Oh yes, we went to the same school before Lily quit. She's a bit of a quitter." she says and smiles. Shut up, Shrek Jr. and I received a letter from Hogwarts you scumbag.

"Yeah, I beat her during the math Olympics, remember, and I got a scholarship from a boarding school at Scotland.." I reply, with a fake smile. Back at you, you filthy little scumbag.

"Really, it's a good thing you didn't quit, or are you planning to?" she asks using a fake squeaky voice.

"Not at all…" I say controlling myself from pulling her hair. I'm not messing my future for her.

So after another hour of enduring the little ogres, I was free!

Suddenly, an unmistakably handsome boy with brown hair and honey colored eyes entered the room and I heard the hag say "Edward, darling, I'm glad you came!".

"Course I would, anything for my princess…" he replied kissing Carliana.

Amortentia, definitely amortnetia. Okay fine, not amortentia, they're muggles, a miracle then.

"Ladies, this is Edward, my boyfriend.." she looks at me as if saying that she has something that I don't have. That boy probably doesn't have brains to fill an eggcup.

"He's studying at Cambridge, taking medicine…" she adds and the girls swoon. Even Madam Falucci. This is making me sick.

"Oh you must bring him to our Couple's Ball next meeting, everyone should be bringing their partners.." Madam Falucci squeals excitedly. Everyone chatters excitedly about their boyfriends. Poor woman. Must've scared all her lovers away, I don't blame them, really

Oh great. I don't have a boyfriend. This sucks. But then Carliana would prove that I'm a quitter. Oh she'll see.

"So Lily, you're coming back aren't you, or are you quitting on this thing again, well unless you don't have a boyfriend then, oh well.." she makes a sad face as she cuddles up to that Edward fool.

"Course, I'll come, James would love to meet you all…" I reply faking a smile. I must be crazy, really crazy. I must have gone deranged. I must shoot myself after this, or hit my head with a wooden spoon. Potter, of all people! Well, desperate times call for very desperate measures. VERY DESPERATE MEASURES.

As soon as I got home, I dashed upstairs not giving mom a chance to ask how it went. I got a piece of parchment and wrote:

Potter,

Come to this address next week, wear a tux and bring me flowers. I'll explain. Just come or else I'll make your life a living hell.

Desperate,

Lily.

Now where's that wooden spoon?

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Just a random story, please give a review. The more reviews I'll update faster. I'M DESPERATE.


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